Coping with Loss
Pete called me after noticing a difference in his wife following her first session to work through the shock and trauma of miscarrying at eleven weeks. Pete was aware that his emotions were sitting too close to the surface and the further pressure at work was adding to his stress levels too. He wanted to see if therapy could help him feel stronger and better able to cope with the news.
From the moment a pregnancy test confirms a positive test result, our lives become governed by a series of important milestones, each one moving us another step closer to the birth. Sadly, for a small percentage of couples, this journey isn’t always a smooth one and with little or no warning, traumatic events such as an ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth or loss after birth can happen.
The overwhelming shock of such events is impossible to comprehend and even harder to express in writing. Losing a much yearned for baby is a wholly numbing experience, whether that loss occurs early in pregnancy, close to term or in the hours, days or weeks following birth.
Nothing prepares a parent for the shock and trauma they feel both physically and emotionally. Whilst in the back of our minds we acknowledge the fact that ‘things’ can trip us up on the path to parenthood, none of us ever anticipate or are prepared for those events becoming our reality.
Outwardly, men and women cope with loss in different ways. Women will often talk and share, seeking solace in the company of others they can emotionally connect with. Conversely, men tend to withdraw and may appear outwardly as if they are lacking in emotion or in complete denial. This could not be further from the truth as the emotional impact affects parents equally.
For Pete, the miscarriage was a huge shock. He was so thrilled to soon be embracing fatherhood and was already thinking and planning ahead, considering his ‘to do’ list to get the house in shape and do his bit in preparations for changes on the horizon. Suddenly, several weeks after finding out great news, he was coming to terms with loss and coping with the grief for a baby he had yet to announce to his friends, family and work colleagues.
When we started in session, Pete’s dominant emotion was one of feeling trapped and isolated. Since Pete and his wife had planned to keep their pregnancy to themselves until they were past the dating scan milestone, nobody knew there had been a miscarriage either. Pete’s wife has asked him to not to share this loss with anyone and Pete was finding this increasingly difficult and not coping well as a result.
As we worked through dissolving these feelings, we also cleared feelings of anger, rejection, sadness and despair. As these emotions started to dissipate Pete acknowledged some feelings of resentment towards his work colleague who had recently been showing his wife’s scan pictures around the office, so we worked on clearing these emotions too.
Loss is a very sensitive subject and leaves us wanting to withdraw from the world when faced with such unexpected circumstances. Grief brings many overpowering emotions to the surface; denial, isolation, anger, loneliness, deep sorrow and guilt to name but a few. Grieving is a process which dependent on our individual and cultural circumstances dictates different needs and we need time to allow emotional healing over time.
Therapy is beneficial when feelings of overwhelm start affecting your quality of life and you find yourself using avoidance as your coping mechanism. Faced with an expectation to cope and take the lead in providing emotional support following the loss of a baby, men can find themselves feeling under too much pressure and in need of some support themselves.
Pete experienced many emotions surfacing during the session and as each new emotion surfaced, we cleared the impact and reduced Pete’s feelings of overwhelm. The therapy I use doesn’t erase or distort the memory of loss. Instead, it clears the emotional charge, the crippling feelings of despair that can otherwise be triggered by all manner of things in daily life.
Treatment does not necessitate the lengthy and traumatic recounting of a loss, unless this is something you feel would help as you work through your emotions. Therapy merely requires you to mentally associate with key aspects in the privacy of your own mind. This is appreciated by many men who are extremely uncomfortable with the idea of traditional forms of ‘talk’ therapy and therefore avoid seeking professional help when they need it most.
Pete left his first session feeling much more calm and composed. He was relieved that he didn’t need to do a lot of talking in session but could instead focus on issues internally whilst receiving direction on how to clear the emotional overwhelm.
Pete returned for one further session and is now much more optimistic about the future. Pete and his wife are looking forward to trying again in a few months time and neither of them are concerned about history repeating itself.
If you would like support to work through the emotional trauma of loss, the Pure Therapy Programme will help you when you are ready. You can also drop me a line using the form at the foot of this page or call and speak with me directly on 01276 21386.
Conception & Birth Services
Pure Therapy Programme Brief therapy to dissolve your fears, phobias, anxieties and any emotional trauma. This programme focuses on calming your mind, restoring your confidence and self-esteem, giving you back a sense of control in your life as well as the clarity to make important decisions.
Essential Support Programme Regular, short check-in sessions by phone to keep you calm, relaxed, optimistic and positively focused between significant milestones from conception to birth. The therapeutic toolkit enables sabotaging emotional wobbles to be dissolved in an instant.
HypnoBirthing® Classes The ultimate in birth preparation classes to teach both you and your partner how to use hypnotic relaxation skills, special breathing techniques and endorphin releasing massage to manage the physical demands of labour and feel calm, relaxed and confident during the birth.
Parent Coaching Programme No baby arrives with a manual and few parents have endless hours to devour a ‘how to’ book. Parent coaching is a supportive route to helping you create your own practical solutions to whatever parenting challenges you are facing, in time sensitive short sessions.